Panic Attacks and All

For me, hiking is cathartic. It’s a means of putting myself in touch with the world around me in a way that allows me to clear my head and feel like a normal person again. It silences those constant thoughts and feelings that run through my head on a daily basis that I just can’t get away from. It wasn’t always that way though.

I started my hiking career geocaching with my family. If you’re not familiar, geocaching is essentially playing treasure hunt with coordinates to find your buried (or hidden in plain sight!) treasure all around the world. Its an awesome hobby on its own, so maybe I’ll write a separate piece about that later. But basically, it started out with short little excursions to find our little treasure, where I basically just kept my head down and let everyone else navigate the trails because what did I know about trail markers? When I got older, I shared my love of geocaching with my boyfriend who also thought it was amazing, and we continued our treasure hunts everywhere we went. We got more into hiking and would try somewhere new every weekend, something which he would map and plan out for us. I would be excited to follow along, and fearless since I was with someone who knew what they were doing.

Well as we all know, nothing lasts forever.

When our relationship ended, I found myself to be lost. Not only was there an overwhelming feeling of fear and loneliness, but I had packed on the pounds with all the stress. I was unhappy, out of shape, and used up every once of motivation I had to finally make a change. It was actually then that I decided to go to the shelter and find a dog to call my own. Literally, everything about me changed the day I got her. There was something always there to make me get out of bed in the morning. To get outside and go on walks. I dreamed of taking her hiking but was terrified about venturing out alone. I had no clue what it took to plan a hike, to follow the trail markers, to gauge difficulty. I had no idea where to start.

At first, I googled hiking groups in the area. I thought maybe it would be better to try and find a group to tag along in so I wouldn’t be alone. But while researching, I found them to be somewhat intimidating. Warning hikers that they must know the trails, they’ll be left behind if not fast enough, make sure they bring maps etc. For someone with anxiety, all of that is beyond terrifying.

So then I googled the simplest trail guides I could find and discovered a short little trail right by my house. Seemed like a little loop around a lake, and would be perfect for me and Anna. The only problem is that I’m a master at psyching myself out. All the constant thoughts and scenarios and catastrophes that might happen. It took me several days to drive to that trailhead. I wound up getting there one afternoon on a beautiful day. The trail was clearly marked and seemed nice and quiet. I took Anna and my little backpack (which definitely wasn’t stocked properly!) and started out on my first solo hike.

It was only a minute into the hike when my mind started running off. I suddenly panicked that I wouldn’t have enough daylight. In reality, there were probably 6 more hours of sunlight left in the day, and this was a 2-mile hike, but try to reason with someone who has anxiety…

Soon after that, I started worrying about taking a wrong turn. Now all I was thinking about was getting lost AND running out of daylight. I felt so stupid. I felt defeated and hated myself for being so incompetent. I gave up, turned around, and got back in my car to head home. I wanted to cry. I knew how incredibly foolish I was being, but logic doesn’t matter in these situations. I had a lot to think about that night. I thought about what I wanted my life to be like. What I wanted for Anna. I decided that this was ridiculous. The following day I went right back to that trailhead. I packed 3 flashlights (I wish I were exaggerating), some mace (you know, just in case) and all the water I could carry. I swallowed my irrational fear and I got through that damn hike, all two miles of it! Getting to the lake and seeing the pure joy on Anna’s face when she jumped in was like my therapy. My anxiety was silenced, I sat with her by the lake, and felt like I just became a new person.

The real Erin had emerged, and man have I gone places since then.